Interesting Customers

As you may know, may not know, or may not know and not care to either, I work retail. My first job being fast food, I had no idea how much experience I lacked coming into this new vocation, mainly when it came to weirdos. In fast food, we had plenty, but we would just hand them their food and send them back on their weird way to their weird lives. Now, I actually have to experience their weird lives. In honor of my boredom, I shall now give you the privilege of reading some of my past experiences. Please enjoy my pain.

Experience #1:

This happened when I first started working. It was me and two other workers that night, and it was around Christmas. A lady comes in, and literally on her head is strapped a stuffed turtle. I wish I could say that was the end of it. She goes into our gift section and says loudly, "I'll just tell you guys this for all it's worth!" Never a good sign. She then proceeds to bring us a Christmas ornament depicting a turtle laughing as he slides down a snowy hill with an equally joyful mouse sitting on his belly. It was quite a happy scene. I almost wished I was there. She then says, "This is uncalled for! Turtles die when they are on their backs! They struggle for life!" She then stormed back over to the gift area, broke all the mice off of these ornaments, and left the store. Remind me to never become obsessed with turtles.

Experience #2:

Like most retail stores, we maintain a little mailing list. General procedure for each customer is to ask them for their phone number to see if we can pull them up in our computer. If they're not there, we take a couple minutes to add them in if they permit. Easy, right? I never thought that this would give me one of the scariest stories ever. A guy comes in and was in the store for quite some time. He comes up to me at the counter, and dumps a large pile of $1 toys in front of me. Um...okay. I ask him for his phone number, which he gave without hesitation. He didn't come up. I asked him if he'd be okay with me adding him in. Ever seen Hulk, The Incredible Hulk, The Avengers, or any other movie starring our little green hero? Well, I'm pretty sure this was Bruce Banner. He immediately started yelling, saying he was in there and I had to find him. I tried about five different phone numbers. I tried his name. NOTHING. I assured him that I could fix this problem by simply taking a couple minuted to re-add him. He pointed at my face and said no, and that he was going to leave and get to the bottom of this. The next day (no, this is not done), he comes back, approached the assistant manager, and tells her, "Look at me! I will find out who deleted me from your computer. I will get in touch with corporate if I have to. And then...I'M COMING FOR ALL OF YOU!" So, apparently I have a hit squad out to get me. Lovely.

Experience #3

I actually have a poem based on me. Seriously. It's going to be featured in a book this next customer was apparently publishing. She walked into the store one day and came right up to me at the counter. Cutting right to the chase, she told me, "I've written you a poem." She then proceeded to "recite" a nonsensical "poem" about nothing. For TEN MINUTES. The bad part was the fact that I had to stand there with a straight face the entire time. At the end of the poem, she reached across the counter and said, "Take my hand, and we'll run away together!" Dang. I missed my chance.

Experience #4

It's always interesting hearing overly conservative people talk about sketchy things. I had this one older lady talking to me about the need for better security in stores. She then wanted to tell me about how another store in the area had men and women going into the same bathroom regularly to do things other than use it. Obviously trying to be careful how she put it, she said, "This one store near you all has whites and blacks going into the same restroom!" I was in shock. Not only did she make an unintentionally racist comment, she said it loud and clear. Then I looked to my right. There was a big black man standing there, staring us both down. Ever get the feeling that you have 30 seconds to live?

Experience #5

The final experience I'll mention today happened most recently. I was talking with a lady who comes in regularly. We were carrying on a normal conversation, when she said, "I notice you're folding your arms." I quickly unfolded them and apologized, remembering that can be a turnoff for some people. She then said, "It means you're under a lot of stress." Fair enough. School, work and other responsibilities do sometimes take a toll. She then got tears in her eyes. Oh boy. Where is this gonna go? With tears in her eyes, she began to beg, "Don't give up hope! Don't give up!" I assured her I was fine, but she continued to say this. Literally within a matter of a few seconds, I went from being someone who crossed his arms to someone who was apparently under a lot of stress to the point of being suicidal. I seriously learn more abut myself every day!

I'm hoping there will be more of these to come in the future. For now, I hope these five have amused you as much as they caused me pain. I hope you find joy in my pain, you sick people!

Colin