Me Being Real

Well, it's been a while. Like, years. I have to admit, I didn't quite remember how to get back into my account. Since I last blogged, a lot has changed. I could talk about meeting an amazing girl, getting married, having an adorable little boy...but that will wait for future posts. I instead wanted to publicly talk about something that in the last year I have been freed to open up and talk about. So, for the next however long this post ends up being, I would like to talk to you about something I have only opened up to a few people to; something that, most of my life, I felt like I was supposed to keep hidden. I want to talk about my struggle with depression.

I've given up listing reasons why I could possibly struggle with depression. Growing up, I always felt like I had to attribute it to something. I was afraid to use the word "depressed" in reference to myself. After all, I was told by individuals in my life that depression and Christianity were incompatible with each other, that we should always be filled with the joy of Christ Jesus. I became bitter. I became secluded. I took on the role of the "funny man" to cover up who I really felt like. I turned from God and wanted nothing to do with Him. I was good at getting people to like me. But, inside, I was alone.

When I was 15, I remember looking at my reflection while alone at home. I was thinking about who I had become, and where I had gone mentally. I hated myself and wanted these feelings to end. All these things could be seen initially as a positive development...except I was looking at my reflection in a large kitchen knife. I was ready. Ready to end it once and for all. It was about that time I felt like i was being physically stopped. I remember dropping the knife on the floor and falling down. It was not long after that that I either reaffirmed my commitment to Christ or came to Him for the first time. That was when I found out the biggest lie in the whole church.

A misconception I feel like most people that walk the aisle of a church fall into is that all their problems are suddenly gone. I sure thought that. And, for several months, my life was incredible. I felt like I was on this perpetual spiritual high that wasn't leaving me. Until, of course, it left. After those great months last, I rapidly fell into the same feelings I had so many years ago. Except this time they were back with a vengeance, pounding at the back of my mind and not letting go. Had I lost my salvation? Was my commitment to Christ not good enough? I was doing everything I thought He wanted. I moved out and began schooling at a Christian college. I gave up the things in my life that either were distracting me or I felt were a distraction. What was wrong with me?

I once again felt alone and ashamed. Nobody in the Christian community was talking about depression. The only times I heard anything close to it was when people would do those talks about what their lives were like before Christ. When talking about their lives after Christ, it was all gumdrops and rainbows. Sure, they faced trials, but nothing could defeat their unstopping joy in Christ. I didn't know what to do. I was still being told that Christianity and depression could not go together.

It was only when I sat down with someone dear to me that I realized these feelings are more real and common than I ever imagined them to be. They had seen some journal writing I had been doing. In it, I had been writing down my complete, unfiltered, uncensored feelings of where I was emotionally. Turned out, they had very similar feelings to me but hadn't felt free to discuss them. Then I talked to a few other people privately who I trusted. They all shared similar kinds of struggles either in the past or the present. It is through that support and constant prayer that I have come through for the time being and am in a really good place emotionally now. Lord-willing, I'll stay that way. However, if things were to change, I know who I can turn to.

Why do I choose to write this way? Because I know you're out there. You could have identical struggles and feel just as alone as I did. I want you to know that you're not alone. There are people out there just like you. Your depression does not determine your salvation. We all know the story of King David in the Bible. His book of Psalms is literally his depression journal. There are close to 50 Psalms that are a cry of desperation. Let me encourage you to read them. Also, open up. Share your story with others. They need your help just as much as you need theirs.

My name is Colin. I have depression, and God still loves me.

Spiritual Gifts?

Well, it's been forever. Not because I have necessarily been too busy to write. I've just been lazy. I'm offering free consolation hugs. Or you can just shoot me. Your choice.

The topic of this blog post is actually something I've been meaning to write about for a while. It stemmed from something I've been thinking about for quite some time and more recently was talking about with a couple of my coworkers. The topic was spiritual gifts. I know, I know. A Baptist is writing about spiritual gifts. I seriously must be losing it.

Spiritual gifts are one of the biggest advantages we have as a body of believers. If one person has a weakness in an area, they can simply call on someone they know who is strong in that particular area. However, I feel that they somewhere along the line have gone from spiritual gifts to spiritual cop-outs. Let me explain.

Ever heard someone say they have the gift of love, or comment that someone they know has it? What about the gift of patience? Or gentleness? I've heard both believers in person make this statement and pastors from the pulpit make this statement. What's the problem? The problem is that those words and the word "gift" shouldn't be used in the same sentence. Read Galatians 5:22-23. This passage is what we know as The Fruit of the Spirit. We read about how it is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. These are imparted to not a few, but every believer. If we want to read about spiritual gifts given to specific believers, you might be best reading from Acts 2 or 1 Corinthians 12.

The danger with referring to The Fruit of the Spirit as spiritual gifts is because we begin to make excuses for ourselves. If we have a hard time loving someone, we could simply say we just have to work on that because love isn't our gift. If we're struggling with patience, we could simply say that we need to work harder on that as well since it isn't our gift. These were never spiritual gifts. They are the equipment that God has given to you so you can strive to be like Jesus every day. The characteristics of The Fruit of the Spirit are all part of who Jesus was. We are called as believers to become more and more like Him (1 Corinthians 11:1, Ephesians 5:1-2, Philippians 2:5, Matthew 5:48).

Also, the different characteristics outlined in Galatians 5:22-23 should never be separated. Notice that it's not called The Fruits of the Spirit. It's called The Fruit of the Spirit. If we're missing one of those characteristics, we don't have The Fruit of the Spirit. Suddenly, admitting you don't have the gift of love sounds a little more serious.

We all have struggles. I have more than I care to mention. But something we need to take care of is downgrading a serious struggle we have with simply not having a gift. We need to understand the differences between gifts and requirements. We need to stop admiring people who are obeying and start to follow their example. We need to live like Christ, no matter how difficult it may seem.

Surprises (Don't You Love Them?)

Opening a gift can be an exciting time. What comes after can be anything from amazing to downright terrifying.

Thank God for gift receipts.

While nobody is obligated to keep a particular gift, there is still that initial moment of opening it. Everybody is watching you to see how you react, and most likely this small crowd includes the person who got you the gift in the first place! You open it, and behold, a pink bunny suit. Don't get that reference. Stop reading. Go watch A Christmas Story. Have your life changed. Come back and pick up where you left off. Good job.

What was I writing about? Oh, yeah...

There's several different ways you can respond to this situation. You can freak out and rip it to shreds, pass out in embarrassment, lie and say you like it...or, you can try and see the positive. Maybe Aunt Ruth went to the store and saw that there was a special sale on pink bunny suits. Does this change the fact that you are currently mortified beyond all reason? No. Does affect whether or not your aunt will ever speak to you again? Yes.

Surprises are not always positive. Sometimes, we're expecting a new bicycle and receive a pink bunny suit. We need to decide how we will respond to these surprises. Let's say you lose your job. Will you sit around complaining about how you don't have a job, or will you get up, brush yourself off and look for a new one? Will you sit around and mope about your pink bunny suit, or will accept that you received one and try to move forward? With the help of God, we can make an effort to change the bad circumstances we end up in. The question is, do we see it that way? The truth is, God knows exactly why something happened to you, and He knows a way out of it. Maybe it's freedom from grief or stress. Maybe it's regaining something you lost. Maybe it's getting your family in a position that's healthy for them. God knows all our surprises! He saw the gifts as they were being wrapped! Let me encourage you, the reader, to not allow yourself to be struck down by surprises. Allow them to be opportunities to discipline yourself, and ultimately bring you closer to God.

Don't mope over your pink bunny suit!

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." - Romans 8:28

Colin

To Heaven and Back?

Note to the reader:

While it may seem that I’m writing this as a direct attack on a certain writer, speaker or teacher, I’m not. My intention here is to bring us back to the Bible so that we can have a biblical understanding on the issue you are about to read. My opinion is flawed, but God’s Truth will never fail. Please take this into account as you read.


The afterlife is something that both believers and unbelievers have marveled over for centuries. The great mystery of what exactly Heaven and Hell will be like is something that not everyone is willing to wait to die for it to be solved. Now, though, we have people coming on the TV, writing books and making radio appearances talking about how they were actually taken to Heaven to tell about how wonderful it is, or Hell to tell everyone how terrible it is. Some of these people have died and were brought back by doctors, and others were simply revealed in dreams. So, all our mysteries are solved, right? We no longer have to wonder, do we? As with any issue, we need to look at what the Bible says, or doesn’t say, on this topic.

The first thing to look at is what it doesn’t say. There are several places in the Bible that speak of people being raised from the dead. Some Old Testament references would include 1 Kings 17:17-24, 2 Kings 4:20-37 and 2 Kings 13:21. While there are too many to list fully, New Testament references include Luke 7:11-16, Mark 5:35-43 and one of the most popular being John 11:1-44. All of these passages have something in common. None of them involve someone coming back and speaking of what the afterlife was like. They simply come back. In fact, in the account found in Mark 5:35-43, the first thing the girl raised from the dead indicates is that she’s hungry. It’s almost as if she didn’t fully realize what had happened. Several more passages can be found in the Bible dealing with people being raised from the dead, and all of these passages share the same thread.

So, what does the Bible say? Well, a great place to start would be in 2 Corinthians 12:3-4. Paul is speaking of a time in his life when God actually took him up to Heaven in a dream. The catch is what follows. Paul goes on to say that he heard things no man should ever speak. In the later verses, he even says he will not describe Heaven to the people he was writing to out of fear that he might boast and sound like a fool. Paul was one of, if not the most influential Christian who ever lived, and someone of his level saying that he might boast is eye-opening. Apparently it is rather difficult to speak of these things without it overtaking you, and yet people today are very open about these experiences, giving specific details of what it was like. As for people who are dead and brought back, one has to wonder what actually happens. It could be that they are made so they can’t remember. It could mean they don’t go anywhere, and it’s like a dream. I’ve had a moment in my personal life in which I stopped breathing for at least a couple minutes after falling and hitting my head. My dad found me and had to get me breathing again. I have absolutely no recollection of ever getting close to Heaven. In all honesty, I imagined I went to a fair with my family. It was quite fun, and the hospital bed that I woke up in paled in comparison. Not saying that this is a sure reason to not believe anyone coming forward and stating that they’ve seen the afterlife, but the Scripture pulled should be enough to at least make us wary of these claims.

As always, Christians need to turn to the Bible before they buy into something. I’ve found myself surprised time and time again by things I’ve never even thought to be wrong turning out wrong when compared to Scripture. Seeking God’s guidance through the Word, and always have an answer just as 1 Peter 3:15 says. We may not know something for sure until we get to Heaven, but that doesn’t mean we have nothing to point us in the right direction.

How Close is Too Close to Sin?

As Christians, we all know the consequences of sin, as well as where it gets us if we don’t repent of it. Sin without a doubt is something we should stay away from. The problem lies with how far away believers should stay away from it. A common idea, though it never directly appears in the Bible, is being “in the world but not of the world.” This is a concept derived from several passages throughout Scripture, and is correct if viewed from the right perspective. However, since this phrase came about, people have used it to extremes. Believers have used it to excuse putting themselves in sinful situations and at the same time stay away from the sin. These situations include bars, clubs, drinking parties, and so on. This has also made its way into how believers view media. It’s become a reason to watch explicit movies, listen to perverse music, and enjoy all kinds of other things that neither honor or glorify God. How does this affect our witness? Furthermore, how close is too close to sin?

One of the most clear verses depicting the phrase “in the world but not of the world” would be in John 17:14-15. John is saying to keep a group of believers in the world but away from evil. Not only does this best communicate the phrase, it takes it in an entirely different direction. We’re no longer called to not commit evil, but to stay away from it.

Another thing to take into account is what you’re actions say to other believers. In 1 Corinthians 8:7-13, Paul talks about how he won’t eat food that was offered to idols or eat in an idol’s temple if it caused a fellow believer to fall into sin. This example can easily be used today. There’s plenty of things we could be caught doing that could both destroy our witness and cause people to sin. True, is could be we aren’t doing anything wrong at all, but just as Paul says, other believers could either view us in the wrong way or take it a step further to say that some form of sin is okay. It’s hard, and many times inconvenient, but it’s something that every believer needs to take into account.

For church leaders, the Bible has an even higher standard. 1 Timothy 3:2 calls leaders to live “above reproach.” This means not doing anything that believers could take to be something sinful. Testimonies are one of the most powerful weapons we can have, but they are also the most fragile. A leader who puts his or herself in situations that could communicate something other than holiness in Christ would find it difficult to lead successfully.

On the topic of media, the best passage to look at is Philippians 4:8. This passage outlines what we should spend our time on, as well as what we should stay away from. Notice that this doesn’t say “whatever is Christian.” It doesn’t mean to only watch Christian movies or listen to Christian music. Some people might do that out of personal conviction, but it’s not necessary. There is plenty of secular media out there that communicates Christian morals. The key here is to look at both what’s in it and what it’s communicating. If it’s pointing you in a direction contrary to what the Bible says, we’re told to stay away from it.

A common rebuttal for most if not all of what I’ve just said is that we can’t be an effective witness if we don’t put ourselves into these potentially dangerous situations. Not true. Think about it. Unbelievers don’t spend all their time at parties, at bars and at clubs. They don’t spend all their time talking about explicit movies and perverse music. There are plenty of situations to meet unbelievers, and few of them are situations that could cause us or other believers to stumble. Jesus modeled for us to spend much of our time with unbelievers, but He never put Himself in situations that compromised His integrity. He always held Himself to a higher standard, and set Himself as an example to everyone around Him. This is exactly how we should be in this sinful world. We are already close enough to falling into sin with our sin nature, so let’s not get any closer.

Awkward Cops!

Alright. I may sometimes say that I like some excitement in my day, but pretty much always in the back of my mind I'm anticipating a normal, uneventful day of earthly existence. Every now and then, something happens that interrupts my normality zen thing. This one happened on my way to work.

So, you know that moment when you're driving and are trying to get into a turn lane at a red light? Every now and then, traffic stops JUST far back enough to prevent you from being able to merge.

I. Hate. That.

This is especially true when I can look over and see that the turn lane is completely empty. Well, I needed to get to work, and I got thrown into this situation as well as the driver directly in front of me. Not cool. The driver in front of me was in an SUV, and eventually decided to get up on the median a bit and cut around to the turn lane. I don't normally do this, but with me needing to get to work I did the same. As I got into the turn lane, I suddenly saw that there was a cop in the straight lane next to me. He was watching us both closely. At the time, I had forgotten that what this other driver and I did was illegal. The cop's light turned green. Now, if the guy wanted to nab me, he could have waited for the person in front of him to move forward, and then pull in behind me. He didn't

What followed was one of the most awkward and hilarious moments of my life...

Once he got into the intersection, he pulled into the middle of it with his lights on, waiting next to the left hand turn lane...MY LANE. It's a two lane left hand turn, and I was in front on the outside lane and the guy in the SUV was in front on the inside lane. Our light then turned green. Now, it was obvious at this point that the officer was going to pull over the first one he could. So what did we do? We sat there, staring at each other, each refusing to be the one to go first. This went on for a good 30 seconds. The funny thing was none of the traffic behind us honked. They were either sympathetic or stoned. Hopefully the first one. Finally, the cop gave up and pulled back into the straight lane. Oddly enough, he turned on his warning lights to do so. I guess police lights aren't enough anymore.

I totally get now that he had the right to give me a ticket, but who would voluntarily get themselves pulled over? Instead of getting us in a situation where we had no choice but to be pulled over, he put himself and us in this extremely awkward moment. Not only that, he let us decide who got to be pulled over. Seriously??

In the words of my mom: "He's straight out of police academy!"

Interesting Customers

As you may know, may not know, or may not know and not care to either, I work retail. My first job being fast food, I had no idea how much experience I lacked coming into this new vocation, mainly when it came to weirdos. In fast food, we had plenty, but we would just hand them their food and send them back on their weird way to their weird lives. Now, I actually have to experience their weird lives. In honor of my boredom, I shall now give you the privilege of reading some of my past experiences. Please enjoy my pain.

Experience #1:

This happened when I first started working. It was me and two other workers that night, and it was around Christmas. A lady comes in, and literally on her head is strapped a stuffed turtle. I wish I could say that was the end of it. She goes into our gift section and says loudly, "I'll just tell you guys this for all it's worth!" Never a good sign. She then proceeds to bring us a Christmas ornament depicting a turtle laughing as he slides down a snowy hill with an equally joyful mouse sitting on his belly. It was quite a happy scene. I almost wished I was there. She then says, "This is uncalled for! Turtles die when they are on their backs! They struggle for life!" She then stormed back over to the gift area, broke all the mice off of these ornaments, and left the store. Remind me to never become obsessed with turtles.

Experience #2:

Like most retail stores, we maintain a little mailing list. General procedure for each customer is to ask them for their phone number to see if we can pull them up in our computer. If they're not there, we take a couple minutes to add them in if they permit. Easy, right? I never thought that this would give me one of the scariest stories ever. A guy comes in and was in the store for quite some time. He comes up to me at the counter, and dumps a large pile of $1 toys in front of me. Um...okay. I ask him for his phone number, which he gave without hesitation. He didn't come up. I asked him if he'd be okay with me adding him in. Ever seen Hulk, The Incredible Hulk, The Avengers, or any other movie starring our little green hero? Well, I'm pretty sure this was Bruce Banner. He immediately started yelling, saying he was in there and I had to find him. I tried about five different phone numbers. I tried his name. NOTHING. I assured him that I could fix this problem by simply taking a couple minuted to re-add him. He pointed at my face and said no, and that he was going to leave and get to the bottom of this. The next day (no, this is not done), he comes back, approached the assistant manager, and tells her, "Look at me! I will find out who deleted me from your computer. I will get in touch with corporate if I have to. And then...I'M COMING FOR ALL OF YOU!" So, apparently I have a hit squad out to get me. Lovely.

Experience #3

I actually have a poem based on me. Seriously. It's going to be featured in a book this next customer was apparently publishing. She walked into the store one day and came right up to me at the counter. Cutting right to the chase, she told me, "I've written you a poem." She then proceeded to "recite" a nonsensical "poem" about nothing. For TEN MINUTES. The bad part was the fact that I had to stand there with a straight face the entire time. At the end of the poem, she reached across the counter and said, "Take my hand, and we'll run away together!" Dang. I missed my chance.

Experience #4

It's always interesting hearing overly conservative people talk about sketchy things. I had this one older lady talking to me about the need for better security in stores. She then wanted to tell me about how another store in the area had men and women going into the same bathroom regularly to do things other than use it. Obviously trying to be careful how she put it, she said, "This one store near you all has whites and blacks going into the same restroom!" I was in shock. Not only did she make an unintentionally racist comment, she said it loud and clear. Then I looked to my right. There was a big black man standing there, staring us both down. Ever get the feeling that you have 30 seconds to live?

Experience #5

The final experience I'll mention today happened most recently. I was talking with a lady who comes in regularly. We were carrying on a normal conversation, when she said, "I notice you're folding your arms." I quickly unfolded them and apologized, remembering that can be a turnoff for some people. She then said, "It means you're under a lot of stress." Fair enough. School, work and other responsibilities do sometimes take a toll. She then got tears in her eyes. Oh boy. Where is this gonna go? With tears in her eyes, she began to beg, "Don't give up hope! Don't give up!" I assured her I was fine, but she continued to say this. Literally within a matter of a few seconds, I went from being someone who crossed his arms to someone who was apparently under a lot of stress to the point of being suicidal. I seriously learn more abut myself every day!

I'm hoping there will be more of these to come in the future. For now, I hope these five have amused you as much as they caused me pain. I hope you find joy in my pain, you sick people!

Colin