Me Being Real

Well, it's been a while. Like, years. I have to admit, I didn't quite remember how to get back into my account. Since I last blogged, a lot has changed. I could talk about meeting an amazing girl, getting married, having an adorable little boy...but that will wait for future posts. I instead wanted to publicly talk about something that in the last year I have been freed to open up and talk about. So, for the next however long this post ends up being, I would like to talk to you about something I have only opened up to a few people to; something that, most of my life, I felt like I was supposed to keep hidden. I want to talk about my struggle with depression.

I've given up listing reasons why I could possibly struggle with depression. Growing up, I always felt like I had to attribute it to something. I was afraid to use the word "depressed" in reference to myself. After all, I was told by individuals in my life that depression and Christianity were incompatible with each other, that we should always be filled with the joy of Christ Jesus. I became bitter. I became secluded. I took on the role of the "funny man" to cover up who I really felt like. I turned from God and wanted nothing to do with Him. I was good at getting people to like me. But, inside, I was alone.

When I was 15, I remember looking at my reflection while alone at home. I was thinking about who I had become, and where I had gone mentally. I hated myself and wanted these feelings to end. All these things could be seen initially as a positive development...except I was looking at my reflection in a large kitchen knife. I was ready. Ready to end it once and for all. It was about that time I felt like i was being physically stopped. I remember dropping the knife on the floor and falling down. It was not long after that that I either reaffirmed my commitment to Christ or came to Him for the first time. That was when I found out the biggest lie in the whole church.

A misconception I feel like most people that walk the aisle of a church fall into is that all their problems are suddenly gone. I sure thought that. And, for several months, my life was incredible. I felt like I was on this perpetual spiritual high that wasn't leaving me. Until, of course, it left. After those great months last, I rapidly fell into the same feelings I had so many years ago. Except this time they were back with a vengeance, pounding at the back of my mind and not letting go. Had I lost my salvation? Was my commitment to Christ not good enough? I was doing everything I thought He wanted. I moved out and began schooling at a Christian college. I gave up the things in my life that either were distracting me or I felt were a distraction. What was wrong with me?

I once again felt alone and ashamed. Nobody in the Christian community was talking about depression. The only times I heard anything close to it was when people would do those talks about what their lives were like before Christ. When talking about their lives after Christ, it was all gumdrops and rainbows. Sure, they faced trials, but nothing could defeat their unstopping joy in Christ. I didn't know what to do. I was still being told that Christianity and depression could not go together.

It was only when I sat down with someone dear to me that I realized these feelings are more real and common than I ever imagined them to be. They had seen some journal writing I had been doing. In it, I had been writing down my complete, unfiltered, uncensored feelings of where I was emotionally. Turned out, they had very similar feelings to me but hadn't felt free to discuss them. Then I talked to a few other people privately who I trusted. They all shared similar kinds of struggles either in the past or the present. It is through that support and constant prayer that I have come through for the time being and am in a really good place emotionally now. Lord-willing, I'll stay that way. However, if things were to change, I know who I can turn to.

Why do I choose to write this way? Because I know you're out there. You could have identical struggles and feel just as alone as I did. I want you to know that you're not alone. There are people out there just like you. Your depression does not determine your salvation. We all know the story of King David in the Bible. His book of Psalms is literally his depression journal. There are close to 50 Psalms that are a cry of desperation. Let me encourage you to read them. Also, open up. Share your story with others. They need your help just as much as you need theirs.

My name is Colin. I have depression, and God still loves me.